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Tag: Separation and Divorce

Conscious uncoupling is transforming how we approach divorce and separation

You may have heard the term conscious uncoupling, made famous by Gwyneth Paltrow when she announced her separation from her then-partner, Chris Martin, in 2014.

Gwyneth revealed how challenging it was for her after the announcement when, in her own words, “the public’s surprise gave way quickly to ire and derision. A strange combination of mockery and anger that I had never seen”.

The phrase conscious uncoupling was actually popularised by therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, who wrote a book of the same name in 2015, but had been using the expression since her own separation with her partner.

The book provides a five-step process to find healing and break patterns to help you move forward after a divorce and separation with a sense of empowerment, ownership, and hope.

With the evolution of relationships, the concept of marriage and the expression ‘till death do us part’ no longer has the same meaning it used to. It is now more likely that a couple will separate than they will stay together. 

Fewer couples are getting married, and as our life expectancy continues to grow, the number of relationships that stand the test of time diminishes.

Yet, at the same time, the pain and devastation of a broken relationship still remain. With this pain come the seemingly inevitable emotions of anger and resentment.  

It has been said that hurt people tend to hurt people.

So how can you move through a divorce and separation and ensure that your hurt and pain don’t end up becoming the catalyst for further pain and hurt?

The answer to that is to embrace what Gwyneth described as a conscious uncoupling.  

What does this mean?  

In simple terms, it means doing the best you can to not be overwhelmed by your emotions. Instead, taking ownership and responsibility for your role in the relationship and your decision to part ways. Both the good and bad bits, which allows your spite to give way to empathy, understanding, and appreciation for what you have shared as a couple.  

This becomes the foundation upon which you can deal with the practicalities of your divorce and separation, and the difficult issues of working through changes in living arrangements, child custody, and the splitting of assets with a sense of generosity, respect, and integrity.

If you can bring a healthy dose of this to your separation and divorce, you have the possibility to part ways gracefully, which in turn supports your healing, helps maintain healthy relationships—this is particularly important where kids are involved—and move forward with a sense of empowerment and hope.

There is something practical and useful in being as conscious as you can be in even the most difficult circumstances. It is not easy to do, especially without the support of friends and professionals to remind you of the bigger picture and the benefits of avoiding a lengthy, emotional, and financially draining experience.

Here at Conscious Separation, our goal is to provide you with emotional and legal support and a safe environment to feel heard and understood. We help you reach the outcomes that support everybody as they move forward in the most empathetic way possible.

We often talk about how great it would be to exit a relationship with the same sense of love, care, and respect that existed when you first entered into the relationship.

If you would like to see if this is possible for you, but you recognise you may need support to stay on track, please feel free to contact us here at Conscious Separation.

Taking care of your mental health during your separation/divorce

One of the most stressful things you may go through is a separation or divorce. It is right up there with the death of a loved one. It’s easy to understand why, it is akin to the death of a relationship and in so many ways, life as you knew it up to that point.

With it comes a lot of uncertainty as you navigate things like:

  • Living arrangements
  • Financial arrangements
  • Your social networks
  • Your sense of self-worth
  • Your ability to trust and love again
  • What this means for your kids
  • Your purpose and direction moving forward

Each and every one of these can cause stress within themselves, but to have to deal with them all at once can be overwhelming. It is little wonder then, that your mental health can become one of the greatest concerns for you and those closest to you. 

Your mental health includes your emotional, psychological, and social wellbeing. It affects how you think, feel, and act as you cope with the rigours of life. 

As your mental health deteriorates, so does your ability to cope with life’s challenges. If there is ever a time to maintain good mental health, it would be during a separation and divorce, as you have to manage an ever-changing landscape of uncertainty and insecurity.

There are ways you can support yourself and maintain your mental health and wellbeing during these difficult times, including:

  • Eating well
  • Getting good rest
  • Finding activities that nourish you (walking, being in nature, exercise, and meditation)
  • Being able to talk about your fears and concerns with people you trust and who are prepared to listen and not just provide well-meaning solutions

Often, the last thing you feel like doing during this time are the things listed above, but they do help you cope with challenges and uncertainty.

Finding emotional and psychological support is incredibly important, and can include both personal and professional support. Professional support can range from counselling to getting legal and/or financial advice on what your rights and options may be. 

Being informed of your rights is one way to reduce the stress of uncertainty. Seeking that education together with a sense of empathy and a genuine willingness to listen and simplify things is rare but possible.

It is never a good idea to make decisions or push ahead with difficult conversations around things like living and financial arrangements; or the care and custody of kids when you don’t feel informed or in control of your mental health. This can not only produce a greater sense of division and anger but may result in decisions and outcomes that you later come to regret.  

Finding a sense of grounding and clarity within yourself prior to these discussions empowers you to be less affected by emotional turmoil, anger, and resentment. This, in turn, supports you with being more clear in terms of your needs and strengthens your ability to listen and understand the needs of the other.

It is little wonder that when both parties feel uninformed and are suffering from poor mental wellbeing, conversations can turn into arguments. This results in neither party listening to the other and both of you walking away feeling like you cannot find a way through without engaging lawyers to undertake these conversations for you. What an expensive exercise that can be. 

There is an alternative. We specialise in helping couples find a less stressful way through separation/divorce, where you are provided with a supportive environment to be heard, empathised with, educated, and assisted in coming to your own decisions and forming the best outcome for everyone involved.  

Going through a conscious separation is about putting aside pain and anger and reverting to values like integrity, care, empathy, and understanding. Only by doing this can you part ways gracefully. This is also the only way to minimise the toll this takes on your emotional wellbeing and mental health while saving you thousands of dollars in legal battles where no one wins.  

At Conscious Separation, we ensure all parties are aware of their rights and supported through a mediation/facilitation process to find an outcome that you both deserve. We keep you in control of your own destiny. All this requires is a willingness to participate and keep an open mind about what is possible.

If this feels like an alternative path that you and your former partner are willing to try, please give us a call to learn more.

Here’s how legal separation/divorce support from experienced mediators can save you tens of thousands

When we are faced with the prospect of divorce/separation, it’s important to understand what may lay ahead—from both a practical and legal perspective. 

Understanding your rights is important to ensure you don’t get steamrolled, or in a moment of altruistic sentiment, give away what you later come to regret.

Getting balanced advice is, unfortunately, not as easy as it may seem. 

In my own divorce, some 16 years ago, both my wife and I decided to seek independent legal advice on what our respective rights may be in a property settlement. When we reported back to each other, we had both been given the same advice. That we should both receive 70% of the total asset pool.  

My lawyer felt that I would get 70% if we went to court, and her lawyer said she would get 70%. That had us 40% apart in terms of our respective views of what we believed each of us were entitled to.  

It doesn’t take long for advice like this to create two fixed views about what you are entitled to and a gap that is just too large to close without the intervention of a magistrate or another third party.

It’s easy to see how this scenario is set up. It is similar to looking for the right agent to sell your house. One agent says you will get $800k for the house and the other says you will get $900k. It’s pretty clear who you will be more inclined to choose.  

If you walk into a lawyer’s office and they say you will get 40% of the estate, and the next one says you will get 50%, it’s once again easy to see who you would be more inclined to choose.  

Many lawyers are wired to give you an optimistic perspective of your potential outcome so you choose to engage their services. Once engaged, you will be encouraged to pursue your purported rights, which will often cost both you and your former partner an excess of $100,000 each in legal fees.

This situation would play out differently if you both chose to engage a mediator/facilitator who is very experienced in the area and has legal knowledge of potential outcomes. It does not serve a mediator/facilitator in any way to provide an overly optimistic view of your outcomes. In fact, it would be impossible for them to pander to either of you because their role is to support both sides and achieve a mutually beneficial outcome.  

A mediator’s role is to provide perspective for both parties to work through tricky issues; be seen and heard in their respective positions, and be given the support needed to come to terms with the best outcome. 

A mediator/facilitator does not make a final decision on behalf of either of you. They simply guide you to overcome areas that you may be fixed on, so that a compromise can be reached. This will avoid the huge emotional and financial burden that a long and bitter dispute can create.

Mediation, however, is not for everyone. It will not serve individuals who are committed to winning at the expense of the other, or who are not willing to hear and empathise with the perspective of the other.  

It requires you to put aside the pain and anger of the divorce/separation and work towards an outcome that enables both parties to move forward gracefully and with respect for the other. 

If this sounds like the ideal way forward for both you and your former partner, and you require some guidance and support to work through the uncertainty ahead—including having an understanding of your respective legal rights—then speak to us at Conscious Separation. We can help you part ways as gracefully and as harmoniously as possible

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