None of us can ever really prepare ourselves for what it will be like to go through a separation after a long term relationship.

For many, it can be just as stressful as the death of a loved one. Life, as we know it, will often change in a very significant way. It may impact where we live, how we see our kids every day, how we wake up in the morning and how we go to bed at night, the friends we hang out with and how secure or insecure we feel from a financial perspective.

For some, this can be a relief, but even when that is the case it is still a radical change that we must go through and one that will bring a range of emotions and very real practical implications to what we do.

If we include the added anxiety of how we are going to split our assets, it can be a very stressful situation. This stress and shock can cause us to behave in ways that are counterproductive to the well-being of ourselves and those around us.

The most obvious target for this behaviour is likely to be our partner/former partner. When we are in pain, we often let out that pain onto those around us. Unfortunately, when we do this during the breakdown of a relationship it can often result in a greater wedge being formed; as we then work through tricky issues like kids, custody and division of assets, there is too much anger, frustration and pain to be able to make decisions amicably and rationally.

The greatest remedy to avoid this starts with empathy and compassion for ourselves as we transverse this unfamiliar territory. That means acknowledging our pain, heartache, anger and grief, and being able to sit with that and not turn that into blame, shame or vengeance towards ourselves or those around us.

Find people who can support us in empathy and who don’t add fuel to the fire of destructive mindsets, creating behaviour that drives barriers between people. Being empathetic is the ability to sit with the discomfort and hurt and allow it to pass, without having to dispel it outwardly.

Secondly, try to find empathy for the partner/former partner who is no doubt going through similar feelings and uncertainties themselves, despite what we may think they are feeling. When we can recognise that we are both hurting and that both parties need understanding and support, we can divert our destructive thoughts and behaviours to one of mutual understanding. 

In doing so we create an environment that supports the difficult conversations required to address the practical issues that need to be worked through and find solutions that take account of the needs of everyone involved.

If we can bring empathy to ourselves and those around us, it will not only enable us to part ways gracefully, with respect and integrity but will also have a huge impact on how we move forward onto the next chapter of our lives.

If you would like to discover how you can bring a long-term relationship to an end with respect and empathy, feel free to get in touch with us at Conscious Separation.