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Why empathy is key to an amicable separation

None of us can ever really prepare ourselves for what it will be like to go through a separation after a long term relationship.

For many, it can be just as stressful as the death of a loved one. Life, as we know it, will often change in a very significant way. It may impact where we live, how we see our kids every day, how we wake up in the morning and how we go to bed at night, the friends we hang out with and how secure or insecure we feel from a financial perspective.

For some, this can be a relief, but even when that is the case it is still a radical change that we must go through and one that will bring a range of emotions and very real practical implications to what we do.

If we include the added anxiety of how we are going to split our assets, it can be a very stressful situation. This stress and shock can cause us to behave in ways that are counterproductive to the well-being of ourselves and those around us.

The most obvious target for this behaviour is likely to be our partner/former partner. When we are in pain, we often let out that pain onto those around us. Unfortunately, when we do this during the breakdown of a relationship it can often result in a greater wedge being formed; as we then work through tricky issues like kids, custody and division of assets, there is too much anger, frustration and pain to be able to make decisions amicably and rationally.

The greatest remedy to avoid this starts with empathy and compassion for ourselves as we transverse this unfamiliar territory. That means acknowledging our pain, heartache, anger and grief, and being able to sit with that and not turn that into blame, shame or vengeance towards ourselves or those around us.

Find people who can support us in empathy and who don’t add fuel to the fire of destructive mindsets, creating behaviour that drives barriers between people. Being empathetic is the ability to sit with the discomfort and hurt and allow it to pass, without having to dispel it outwardly.

Secondly, try to find empathy for the partner/former partner who is no doubt going through similar feelings and uncertainties themselves, despite what we may think they are feeling. When we can recognise that we are both hurting and that both parties need understanding and support, we can divert our destructive thoughts and behaviours to one of mutual understanding. 

In doing so we create an environment that supports the difficult conversations required to address the practical issues that need to be worked through and find solutions that take account of the needs of everyone involved.

If we can bring empathy to ourselves and those around us, it will not only enable us to part ways gracefully, with respect and integrity but will also have a huge impact on how we move forward onto the next chapter of our lives.

If you would like to discover how you can bring a long-term relationship to an end with respect and empathy, feel free to get in touch with us at Conscious Separation.

Financial orders—Am I treated differently if I am married as opposed to being in a de facto relationship?

The making of financial orders, which include property settlements, spousal maintenance matters, and superannuation splits, is governed by the Family Law Act in Australia. 

If you were to ask, Am I treated differently under the Family Law Act if I am in a de facto relationship as opposed to being married?, the simple answer would be No. In some cases, however, different conditions could apply.

Since 2009, parties of a de facto relationship have been able to apply to the Family Court or Federal Circuit court to have financial matters determined in the same way as a married couple.

It is important to remember that an application for de facto financial orders should be made within two years of the breakdown of your relationship. In the case of a marriage, an application should be made within 12 months of divorce. After this time, you will need permission from the Court to apply.

It should be noted that de facto relationships in Western Australia are governed by the Family Court Act, as opposed to the Family Law Act; whilst the provisions are similar, please ensure you seek advice about which act applies to your circumstances if you have been, or are currently living in Western Australia.

What constitutes a de facto relationship?

A de facto relationship is one in which a couple lives together on a genuine domestic basis.

The first point to note is that you do not need to be living together for two years before you are considered to be living in a de facto relationship. 

However, the Family Law Act does not generally apply to de facto relationships unless the couple has been living together for at least two years OR there is at least one child of the relationship. 

The significance of this is that the Family Law Court has the power to make financial orders, and this includes property settlements, spousal maintenance matters and superannuation splits.

While there is no clearly defined meaning for de facto relationships, the following factors will be considered when assessing whether two people are in a de facto relationship:

  • Are they living together?
  • How long have they been living together?
  • Do they have a sexual relationship?
  • Do they share joint bank accounts?
  • Do they jointly own property?
  • Do they share weekly living costs like electricity or telephone bills?
  • Do their family and friends recognise them as a couple?
  • Do they have any children together?

A person can only ask a court to make an order about financial matters if the following requirements are fulfilled:

  • The two parties have been in a de facto relationship that has now ended.
  • The de facto relationship lasted at least two years.

OR

  • If the de facto relationship was shorter than two years then:

– The person who wants an order has made a substantial contribution.

– To not make an order would result in serious injustice to the person applying for an order.

OR

  • There is a child of the de facto relationship.

OR

  •  The de facto relationship is registered under a prescribed law of a State or Territory.

If you would like to know your rights as a party in a de facto relationship, please do not hesitate to contact us for advice and guidance.

Tackling the division of property due to a divorce or separation

The thought of divorce or separation is not without its battles, but deciding who gets what can be additionally complex and stressful.

Issues like co-parenting may be easier to discuss, and a simple mathematical formula would have eased the process of splitting assets, but since this is not a possibility right now, the need for lawyers and messy litigation is real.

Dividing assets in a divorce

The overarching principle in dividing assets under the Family Law Act is that the division of assets must be ‘just and equitable’. That sounds fair enough, but what does it mean?

Section 79(4) and 90SM of the Act sets out in broad terms the matters to be taken into account, in deciding a just and equitable splitting of financial assets. This means that each relationship is considered unique and there is no clear way of how that determination might be made. 

Therefore you should not assume that your assets will be split equally, although this should be considered a starting point, particularly in long-term marriages/relationships.

This is because there is a lot to consider when it comes to dividing assets, including starting assets, current and past incomes, health, and age. As a direct result of all this, your case will always be dealt with on an individual basis.

How are assets defined?

As part of the divorce process, you will have to define, declare and value all your current assets. All parties involved must provide a full and frank disclosure of all assets. The final asset pool includes all assets, liabilities, and superannuation interests from both parties.

The process of dividing assets in a divorce

Once the asset pool is compiled and all parties agree that everything has been declared, the contribution that each party, financial and non-financial, is measured.

Non Financial contribution includes parental contributions (if applicable), contributions as a homemaker, parent or home renovator. It can also involve any indirect contributions, such as those made by a family member of either party.

Once this is done, future financial circumstances are taken into account. Here, a range of factors is considered, including the age and health of each party, which party will take primary care of any children (if applicable), earning capacities, and any impact the relationship had on them (such as a career break for child care) and the length of the relationship.

Once all of these factors have been considered, a percentage or range would be assessed.

A court will then decide whether this percentage or division is ‘just and equitable’ under the Family Law Act.

When assessing each of these factors, the length of the relationship will be significant in assessing contributions; the shorter the relationship, the higher the focus will be on financial contributions and vice versa.

One thing is for certain, there is no saying how a court may ultimately split assets. 

If you require guidance on the best way to deal with splitting assets, speak to us at Conscious Separation; we will help you approach the division of assets in the best way possible.

Navigating the subsequent steps of a separation or divorce

Having survived the initial impact of a separation or divorce, it is important to look at unraveling some of the more tricky aspects of financial obligations and splitting of assets. The longer parties have been together and the more entangled their assets have become, the harder it is to come to a mutual agreement.

That said, there are several different ways to approach splitting of financial resources, including: 

  • Sitting down and working together to determine how to split assets
  • Engaging lawyers to ensure a just and equitable split
  • Using a mediation service to help both parties come to an agreement 

Out of these options, working together to come to a resolution is the most cost-effective and timely choice. Sadly, this is not always possible as both parties may still be emotionally charged or have different perspectives on what is fair and what they deem to be an equitable share of the assets.

It is also important to understand your rights when it comes to asset splitting. Engaging a lawyer in the proceedings is the most effective way to do this.

Finding a lawyer, however, is not always a breeze. Some lawyers may promise a high percentage of the assets to get you to sign up. The pursuit of getting the promised number might lead to a financially and emotionally draining legal battle that can stretch for years. So, you need to be aware of these strategies to avoid unnecessarily stressful legal battles.

This brings us to the third option: hiring a mediator. They view the separation and the preceding and subsequent proceedings from a holistic angle. It means they consider the entirety of your relationship, not just the painful end, preventing immature decision-making due to feelings of heartache, fear, resentment, and revenge. 

Engaging a mediator can help you understand your rights, reach a mutually agreeable financial settlement, and navigate the emotional turmoil of the situation.

If you and your partner can work with a mediator, it can save you a great deal of time, money, and energy while giving you the best opportunity to move on with peace of mind.

Conscious uncoupling is transforming how we approach divorce and separation

You may have heard the term conscious uncoupling, made famous by Gwyneth Paltrow when she announced her separation from her then-partner, Chris Martin, in 2014.

Gwyneth revealed how challenging it was for her after the announcement when, in her own words, “the public’s surprise gave way quickly to ire and derision. A strange combination of mockery and anger that I had never seen”.

The phrase conscious uncoupling was actually popularised by therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, who wrote a book of the same name in 2015, but had been using the expression since her own separation with her partner.

The book provides a five-step process to find healing and break patterns to help you move forward after a divorce and separation with a sense of empowerment, ownership, and hope.

With the evolution of relationships, the concept of marriage and the expression ‘till death do us part’ no longer has the same meaning it used to. It is now more likely that a couple will separate than they will stay together. 

Fewer couples are getting married, and as our life expectancy continues to grow, the number of relationships that stand the test of time diminishes.

Yet, at the same time, the pain and devastation of a broken relationship still remain. With this pain come the seemingly inevitable emotions of anger and resentment.  

It has been said that hurt people tend to hurt people.

So how can you move through a divorce and separation and ensure that your hurt and pain don’t end up becoming the catalyst for further pain and hurt?

The answer to that is to embrace what Gwyneth described as a conscious uncoupling.  

What does this mean?  

In simple terms, it means doing the best you can to not be overwhelmed by your emotions. Instead, taking ownership and responsibility for your role in the relationship and your decision to part ways. Both the good and bad bits, which allows your spite to give way to empathy, understanding, and appreciation for what you have shared as a couple.  

This becomes the foundation upon which you can deal with the practicalities of your divorce and separation, and the difficult issues of working through changes in living arrangements, child custody, and the splitting of assets with a sense of generosity, respect, and integrity.

If you can bring a healthy dose of this to your separation and divorce, you have the possibility to part ways gracefully, which in turn supports your healing, helps maintain healthy relationships—this is particularly important where kids are involved—and move forward with a sense of empowerment and hope.

There is something practical and useful in being as conscious as you can be in even the most difficult circumstances. It is not easy to do, especially without the support of friends and professionals to remind you of the bigger picture and the benefits of avoiding a lengthy, emotional, and financially draining experience.

Here at Conscious Separation, our goal is to provide you with emotional and legal support and a safe environment to feel heard and understood. We help you reach the outcomes that support everybody as they move forward in the most empathetic way possible.

We often talk about how great it would be to exit a relationship with the same sense of love, care, and respect that existed when you first entered into the relationship.

If you would like to see if this is possible for you, but you recognise you may need support to stay on track, please feel free to contact us here at Conscious Separation.

Taking care of your mental health during your separation/divorce

One of the most stressful things you may go through is a separation or divorce. It is right up there with the death of a loved one. It’s easy to understand why, it is akin to the death of a relationship and in so many ways, life as you knew it up to that point.

With it comes a lot of uncertainty as you navigate things like:

  • Living arrangements
  • Financial arrangements
  • Your social networks
  • Your sense of self-worth
  • Your ability to trust and love again
  • What this means for your kids
  • Your purpose and direction moving forward

Each and every one of these can cause stress within themselves, but to have to deal with them all at once can be overwhelming. It is little wonder then, that your mental health can become one of the greatest concerns for you and those closest to you. 

Your mental health includes your emotional, psychological, and social wellbeing. It affects how you think, feel, and act as you cope with the rigours of life. 

As your mental health deteriorates, so does your ability to cope with life’s challenges. If there is ever a time to maintain good mental health, it would be during a separation and divorce, as you have to manage an ever-changing landscape of uncertainty and insecurity.

There are ways you can support yourself and maintain your mental health and wellbeing during these difficult times, including:

  • Eating well
  • Getting good rest
  • Finding activities that nourish you (walking, being in nature, exercise, and meditation)
  • Being able to talk about your fears and concerns with people you trust and who are prepared to listen and not just provide well-meaning solutions

Often, the last thing you feel like doing during this time are the things listed above, but they do help you cope with challenges and uncertainty.

Finding emotional and psychological support is incredibly important, and can include both personal and professional support. Professional support can range from counselling to getting legal and/or financial advice on what your rights and options may be. 

Being informed of your rights is one way to reduce the stress of uncertainty. Seeking that education together with a sense of empathy and a genuine willingness to listen and simplify things is rare but possible.

It is never a good idea to make decisions or push ahead with difficult conversations around things like living and financial arrangements; or the care and custody of kids when you don’t feel informed or in control of your mental health. This can not only produce a greater sense of division and anger but may result in decisions and outcomes that you later come to regret.  

Finding a sense of grounding and clarity within yourself prior to these discussions empowers you to be less affected by emotional turmoil, anger, and resentment. This, in turn, supports you with being more clear in terms of your needs and strengthens your ability to listen and understand the needs of the other.

It is little wonder that when both parties feel uninformed and are suffering from poor mental wellbeing, conversations can turn into arguments. This results in neither party listening to the other and both of you walking away feeling like you cannot find a way through without engaging lawyers to undertake these conversations for you. What an expensive exercise that can be. 

There is an alternative. We specialise in helping couples find a less stressful way through separation/divorce, where you are provided with a supportive environment to be heard, empathised with, educated, and assisted in coming to your own decisions and forming the best outcome for everyone involved.  

Going through a conscious separation is about putting aside pain and anger and reverting to values like integrity, care, empathy, and understanding. Only by doing this can you part ways gracefully. This is also the only way to minimise the toll this takes on your emotional wellbeing and mental health while saving you thousands of dollars in legal battles where no one wins.  

At Conscious Separation, we ensure all parties are aware of their rights and supported through a mediation/facilitation process to find an outcome that you both deserve. We keep you in control of your own destiny. All this requires is a willingness to participate and keep an open mind about what is possible.

If this feels like an alternative path that you and your former partner are willing to try, please give us a call to learn more.

Here’s how legal separation/divorce support from experienced mediators can save you tens of thousands

When we are faced with the prospect of divorce/separation, it’s important to understand what may lay ahead—from both a practical and legal perspective. 

Understanding your rights is important to ensure you don’t get steamrolled, or in a moment of altruistic sentiment, give away what you later come to regret.

Getting balanced advice is, unfortunately, not as easy as it may seem. 

In my own divorce, some 16 years ago, both my wife and I decided to seek independent legal advice on what our respective rights may be in a property settlement. When we reported back to each other, we had both been given the same advice. That we should both receive 70% of the total asset pool.  

My lawyer felt that I would get 70% if we went to court, and her lawyer said she would get 70%. That had us 40% apart in terms of our respective views of what we believed each of us were entitled to.  

It doesn’t take long for advice like this to create two fixed views about what you are entitled to and a gap that is just too large to close without the intervention of a magistrate or another third party.

It’s easy to see how this scenario is set up. It is similar to looking for the right agent to sell your house. One agent says you will get $800k for the house and the other says you will get $900k. It’s pretty clear who you will be more inclined to choose.  

If you walk into a lawyer’s office and they say you will get 40% of the estate, and the next one says you will get 50%, it’s once again easy to see who you would be more inclined to choose.  

Many lawyers are wired to give you an optimistic perspective of your potential outcome so you choose to engage their services. Once engaged, you will be encouraged to pursue your purported rights, which will often cost both you and your former partner an excess of $100,000 each in legal fees.

This situation would play out differently if you both chose to engage a mediator/facilitator who is very experienced in the area and has legal knowledge of potential outcomes. It does not serve a mediator/facilitator in any way to provide an overly optimistic view of your outcomes. In fact, it would be impossible for them to pander to either of you because their role is to support both sides and achieve a mutually beneficial outcome.  

A mediator’s role is to provide perspective for both parties to work through tricky issues; be seen and heard in their respective positions, and be given the support needed to come to terms with the best outcome. 

A mediator/facilitator does not make a final decision on behalf of either of you. They simply guide you to overcome areas that you may be fixed on, so that a compromise can be reached. This will avoid the huge emotional and financial burden that a long and bitter dispute can create.

Mediation, however, is not for everyone. It will not serve individuals who are committed to winning at the expense of the other, or who are not willing to hear and empathise with the perspective of the other.  

It requires you to put aside the pain and anger of the divorce/separation and work towards an outcome that enables both parties to move forward gracefully and with respect for the other. 

If this sounds like the ideal way forward for both you and your former partner, and you require some guidance and support to work through the uncertainty ahead—including having an understanding of your respective legal rights—then speak to us at Conscious Separation. We can help you part ways as gracefully and as harmoniously as possible

Take the battle out of custody arrangements with the right support

How often do you see kids caught in the middle of a custody dispute? Where both parties claim to be acting in the best interest of the children, when in reality, neither parent may act in their best interest. Rather, they use the kids and custody issue as leverage to either seek revenge or as a strategic tool to obtain something else.

In a perfect world—which we know this is not—kids would have equal and shared access and custody with both parents. Both parents would conveniently live very close to each other; work cooperatively to share and promote the new living arrangement, and always encourage the kids to share time with the other parent. 

Now, this scenario does, in fact, happen from time to time. It takes great maturity to recognise that the breakdown of a relationship does not, in any way, affect the role each parent plays in raising their kids.

The fact that you may not be willing to live in the same house as your former spouse or partner, does not mean that your kids should be deprived of the opportunity to do so.

It is critical to have an objective perspective of what is best for your kids and not allow the emotional pain, anger, and resentment to blur the perspective of each parent’s capability as a parent. You should also consider what your kids truly need, not only in the tumultuous period of separation but also beyond this as they grow into young adults. 

Being objective at a time like this can be extremely difficult. Parents may even require the support of an independent party to provide this balance as they work through the myriad of practical realities that need to be taken care of as a result of a separation/divorce. 

This support could range from simply providing options that suit both parents and the kids to an independent, professional assessment of what is in the best interest of the children. 

At Conscious Separation, we have the expertise to assist you in finding the right solution for you and your kids. We are here to listen and provide an unbiased assessment of the best possibilities that are available for your family. Ideally, we will support you to come to a mutual agreement about what is best for your kids.  

We believe, as parents, you are the best people to decide the future of your children and assess what will be best for them, provided your motives and objectivity are not impaired by the pain and anguish of the current circumstances. We will support you to work through this to see more clearly, so you retain control and don’t leave these critical decisions to lawyers or judges who know nothing of what your kids really need.

Please feel free to contact our team at Conscious Separation. We can help you take the battle out of custody arrangements.

To separate or not to separate

The decision to separate from your partner is never an easy decision to make. 

It often follows many months, or years, of agonising over whether it is the right thing to do.

There is the inevitable loss of security, fear of aloneness, or fear of having failed that keep many people in a relationship—sometimes to the detriment of themselves and their families.  

Thoughts like, ‘better the devil you know than the devil you don’t’, can keep you in an unhealthy relationship or the agonising question, have I given this everything I can?

Truth be told, sometimes you are just better off being apart than together. This may be a very difficult reality to accept. 

Once a decision has been made, however, there are many things to contemplate and arrange to ensure that a separation can take place in as smooth and as—hopefully—amicable fashion as possible. 

There are clear emotional uncertainties that lay ahead for all involved. There are also many practical issues that need to be considered.

If there are children involved in your separation, the decisions made to ensure the welfare of the children will be a high priority. 

Immediate practical questions need to be considered such as:

  1. Who (if anyone) is going to move out of the family home?
  2. Can we afford to maintain two houses?
  3. Who will the children spend their time with?
  4. How can we minimise the impact on the kids?
  5. How will I support myself?
  6. What are we going to do with our assets?

Let’s focus on question five, how will I support myself? To answer this question you may need to ask yourself follow up questions such as:

  1. Do I have access to any funds?
  2. Do we have joint or separate bank accounts?
  3. Where is my salary being deposited?
  4. Who will pay the bills/mortgage/rent?
  5. Do I need to limit my partner’s access to my funds?
  6. Should I cancel our joint credit cards?
  7. Should I cancel any recurring accounts that are not required?
  8. What do I need to do to protect my existing assets?

There may be many uncertainties during this time that can feel too overwhelming and frightening to address. In the end, you may just choose to stay out of the fear of having to imagine a life after separation. 

This does not in any way mean that you should just get up and leave at the first sign of trouble, but too many spouses stay in their marriages for the wrong reasons.  

Most of us may have experienced, at some point in our life, that gut feeling that lets us know that we need to act, but we don’t—out of fear and uncertainty.

Being well organised and practical can support you when it comes to making some of those extremely difficult decisions. Decisions that require courage and faith, but set us on a path to something new. 

If you are looking to not only understand your rights but also find that practical support, we can help.
Feel free to schedule a call with us today.

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