When we are faced with the prospect of divorce/separation, it’s important to understand what may lay ahead—from both a practical and legal perspective. 

Understanding your rights is important to ensure you don’t get steamrolled, or in a moment of altruistic sentiment, give away what you later come to regret.

Getting balanced advice is, unfortunately, not as easy as it may seem. 

In my own divorce, some 16 years ago, both my wife and I decided to seek independent legal advice on what our respective rights may be in a property settlement. When we reported back to each other, we had both been given the same advice. That we should both receive 70% of the total asset pool.  

My lawyer felt that I would get 70% if we went to court, and her lawyer said she would get 70%. That had us 40% apart in terms of our respective views of what we believed each of us were entitled to.  

It doesn’t take long for advice like this to create two fixed views about what you are entitled to and a gap that is just too large to close without the intervention of a magistrate or another third party.

It’s easy to see how this scenario is set up. It is similar to looking for the right agent to sell your house. One agent says you will get $800k for the house and the other says you will get $900k. It’s pretty clear who you will be more inclined to choose.  

If you walk into a lawyer’s office and they say you will get 40% of the estate, and the next one says you will get 50%, it’s once again easy to see who you would be more inclined to choose.  

Many lawyers are wired to give you an optimistic perspective of your potential outcome so you choose to engage their services. Once engaged, you will be encouraged to pursue your purported rights, which will often cost both you and your former partner an excess of $100,000 each in legal fees.

This situation would play out differently if you both chose to engage a mediator/facilitator who is very experienced in the area and has legal knowledge of potential outcomes. It does not serve a mediator/facilitator in any way to provide an overly optimistic view of your outcomes. In fact, it would be impossible for them to pander to either of you because their role is to support both sides and achieve a mutually beneficial outcome.  

A mediator’s role is to provide perspective for both parties to work through tricky issues; be seen and heard in their respective positions, and be given the support needed to come to terms with the best outcome. 

A mediator/facilitator does not make a final decision on behalf of either of you. They simply guide you to overcome areas that you may be fixed on, so that a compromise can be reached. This will avoid the huge emotional and financial burden that a long and bitter dispute can create.

Mediation, however, is not for everyone. It will not serve individuals who are committed to winning at the expense of the other, or who are not willing to hear and empathise with the perspective of the other.  

It requires you to put aside the pain and anger of the divorce/separation and work towards an outcome that enables both parties to move forward gracefully and with respect for the other. 

If this sounds like the ideal way forward for both you and your former partner, and you require some guidance and support to work through the uncertainty ahead—including having an understanding of your respective legal rights—then speak to us at Conscious Separation. We can help you part ways as gracefully and as harmoniously as possible