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Month: June 2021

Taking care of your mental health during your separation/divorce

One of the most stressful things you may go through is a separation or divorce. It is right up there with the death of a loved one. It’s easy to understand why, it is akin to the death of a relationship and in so many ways, life as you knew it up to that point.

With it comes a lot of uncertainty as you navigate things like:

  • Living arrangements
  • Financial arrangements
  • Your social networks
  • Your sense of self-worth
  • Your ability to trust and love again
  • What this means for your kids
  • Your purpose and direction moving forward

Each and every one of these can cause stress within themselves, but to have to deal with them all at once can be overwhelming. It is little wonder then, that your mental health can become one of the greatest concerns for you and those closest to you. 

Your mental health includes your emotional, psychological, and social wellbeing. It affects how you think, feel, and act as you cope with the rigours of life. 

As your mental health deteriorates, so does your ability to cope with life’s challenges. If there is ever a time to maintain good mental health, it would be during a separation and divorce, as you have to manage an ever-changing landscape of uncertainty and insecurity.

There are ways you can support yourself and maintain your mental health and wellbeing during these difficult times, including:

  • Eating well
  • Getting good rest
  • Finding activities that nourish you (walking, being in nature, exercise, and meditation)
  • Being able to talk about your fears and concerns with people you trust and who are prepared to listen and not just provide well-meaning solutions

Often, the last thing you feel like doing during this time are the things listed above, but they do help you cope with challenges and uncertainty.

Finding emotional and psychological support is incredibly important, and can include both personal and professional support. Professional support can range from counselling to getting legal and/or financial advice on what your rights and options may be. 

Being informed of your rights is one way to reduce the stress of uncertainty. Seeking that education together with a sense of empathy and a genuine willingness to listen and simplify things is rare but possible.

It is never a good idea to make decisions or push ahead with difficult conversations around things like living and financial arrangements; or the care and custody of kids when you don’t feel informed or in control of your mental health. This can not only produce a greater sense of division and anger but may result in decisions and outcomes that you later come to regret.  

Finding a sense of grounding and clarity within yourself prior to these discussions empowers you to be less affected by emotional turmoil, anger, and resentment. This, in turn, supports you with being more clear in terms of your needs and strengthens your ability to listen and understand the needs of the other.

It is little wonder that when both parties feel uninformed and are suffering from poor mental wellbeing, conversations can turn into arguments. This results in neither party listening to the other and both of you walking away feeling like you cannot find a way through without engaging lawyers to undertake these conversations for you. What an expensive exercise that can be. 

There is an alternative. We specialise in helping couples find a less stressful way through separation/divorce, where you are provided with a supportive environment to be heard, empathised with, educated, and assisted in coming to your own decisions and forming the best outcome for everyone involved.  

Going through a conscious separation is about putting aside pain and anger and reverting to values like integrity, care, empathy, and understanding. Only by doing this can you part ways gracefully. This is also the only way to minimise the toll this takes on your emotional wellbeing and mental health while saving you thousands of dollars in legal battles where no one wins.  

At Conscious Separation, we ensure all parties are aware of their rights and supported through a mediation/facilitation process to find an outcome that you both deserve. We keep you in control of your own destiny. All this requires is a willingness to participate and keep an open mind about what is possible.

If this feels like an alternative path that you and your former partner are willing to try, please give us a call to learn more.

Here’s how legal separation/divorce support from experienced mediators can save you tens of thousands

When we are faced with the prospect of divorce/separation, it’s important to understand what may lay ahead—from both a practical and legal perspective. 

Understanding your rights is important to ensure you don’t get steamrolled, or in a moment of altruistic sentiment, give away what you later come to regret.

Getting balanced advice is, unfortunately, not as easy as it may seem. 

In my own divorce, some 16 years ago, both my wife and I decided to seek independent legal advice on what our respective rights may be in a property settlement. When we reported back to each other, we had both been given the same advice. That we should both receive 70% of the total asset pool.  

My lawyer felt that I would get 70% if we went to court, and her lawyer said she would get 70%. That had us 40% apart in terms of our respective views of what we believed each of us were entitled to.  

It doesn’t take long for advice like this to create two fixed views about what you are entitled to and a gap that is just too large to close without the intervention of a magistrate or another third party.

It’s easy to see how this scenario is set up. It is similar to looking for the right agent to sell your house. One agent says you will get $800k for the house and the other says you will get $900k. It’s pretty clear who you will be more inclined to choose.  

If you walk into a lawyer’s office and they say you will get 40% of the estate, and the next one says you will get 50%, it’s once again easy to see who you would be more inclined to choose.  

Many lawyers are wired to give you an optimistic perspective of your potential outcome so you choose to engage their services. Once engaged, you will be encouraged to pursue your purported rights, which will often cost both you and your former partner an excess of $100,000 each in legal fees.

This situation would play out differently if you both chose to engage a mediator/facilitator who is very experienced in the area and has legal knowledge of potential outcomes. It does not serve a mediator/facilitator in any way to provide an overly optimistic view of your outcomes. In fact, it would be impossible for them to pander to either of you because their role is to support both sides and achieve a mutually beneficial outcome.  

A mediator’s role is to provide perspective for both parties to work through tricky issues; be seen and heard in their respective positions, and be given the support needed to come to terms with the best outcome. 

A mediator/facilitator does not make a final decision on behalf of either of you. They simply guide you to overcome areas that you may be fixed on, so that a compromise can be reached. This will avoid the huge emotional and financial burden that a long and bitter dispute can create.

Mediation, however, is not for everyone. It will not serve individuals who are committed to winning at the expense of the other, or who are not willing to hear and empathise with the perspective of the other.  

It requires you to put aside the pain and anger of the divorce/separation and work towards an outcome that enables both parties to move forward gracefully and with respect for the other. 

If this sounds like the ideal way forward for both you and your former partner, and you require some guidance and support to work through the uncertainty ahead—including having an understanding of your respective legal rights—then speak to us at Conscious Separation. We can help you part ways as gracefully and as harmoniously as possible

Take the battle out of custody arrangements with the right support

How often do you see kids caught in the middle of a custody dispute? Where both parties claim to be acting in the best interest of the children, when in reality, neither parent may act in their best interest. Rather, they use the kids and custody issue as leverage to either seek revenge or as a strategic tool to obtain something else.

In a perfect world—which we know this is not—kids would have equal and shared access and custody with both parents. Both parents would conveniently live very close to each other; work cooperatively to share and promote the new living arrangement, and always encourage the kids to share time with the other parent. 

Now, this scenario does, in fact, happen from time to time. It takes great maturity to recognise that the breakdown of a relationship does not, in any way, affect the role each parent plays in raising their kids.

The fact that you may not be willing to live in the same house as your former spouse or partner, does not mean that your kids should be deprived of the opportunity to do so.

It is critical to have an objective perspective of what is best for your kids and not allow the emotional pain, anger, and resentment to blur the perspective of each parent’s capability as a parent. You should also consider what your kids truly need, not only in the tumultuous period of separation but also beyond this as they grow into young adults. 

Being objective at a time like this can be extremely difficult. Parents may even require the support of an independent party to provide this balance as they work through the myriad of practical realities that need to be taken care of as a result of a separation/divorce. 

This support could range from simply providing options that suit both parents and the kids to an independent, professional assessment of what is in the best interest of the children. 

At Conscious Separation, we have the expertise to assist you in finding the right solution for you and your kids. We are here to listen and provide an unbiased assessment of the best possibilities that are available for your family. Ideally, we will support you to come to a mutual agreement about what is best for your kids.  

We believe, as parents, you are the best people to decide the future of your children and assess what will be best for them, provided your motives and objectivity are not impaired by the pain and anguish of the current circumstances. We will support you to work through this to see more clearly, so you retain control and don’t leave these critical decisions to lawyers or judges who know nothing of what your kids really need.

Please feel free to contact our team at Conscious Separation. We can help you take the battle out of custody arrangements.

To separate or not to separate

The decision to separate from your partner is never an easy decision to make. 

It often follows many months, or years, of agonising over whether it is the right thing to do.

There is the inevitable loss of security, fear of aloneness, or fear of having failed that keep many people in a relationship—sometimes to the detriment of themselves and their families.  

Thoughts like, ‘better the devil you know than the devil you don’t’, can keep you in an unhealthy relationship or the agonising question, have I given this everything I can?

Truth be told, sometimes you are just better off being apart than together. This may be a very difficult reality to accept. 

Once a decision has been made, however, there are many things to contemplate and arrange to ensure that a separation can take place in as smooth and as—hopefully—amicable fashion as possible. 

There are clear emotional uncertainties that lay ahead for all involved. There are also many practical issues that need to be considered.

If there are children involved in your separation, the decisions made to ensure the welfare of the children will be a high priority. 

Immediate practical questions need to be considered such as:

  1. Who (if anyone) is going to move out of the family home?
  2. Can we afford to maintain two houses?
  3. Who will the children spend their time with?
  4. How can we minimise the impact on the kids?
  5. How will I support myself?
  6. What are we going to do with our assets?

Let’s focus on question five, how will I support myself? To answer this question you may need to ask yourself follow up questions such as:

  1. Do I have access to any funds?
  2. Do we have joint or separate bank accounts?
  3. Where is my salary being deposited?
  4. Who will pay the bills/mortgage/rent?
  5. Do I need to limit my partner’s access to my funds?
  6. Should I cancel our joint credit cards?
  7. Should I cancel any recurring accounts that are not required?
  8. What do I need to do to protect my existing assets?

There may be many uncertainties during this time that can feel too overwhelming and frightening to address. In the end, you may just choose to stay out of the fear of having to imagine a life after separation. 

This does not in any way mean that you should just get up and leave at the first sign of trouble, but too many spouses stay in their marriages for the wrong reasons.  

Most of us may have experienced, at some point in our life, that gut feeling that lets us know that we need to act, but we don’t—out of fear and uncertainty.

Being well organised and practical can support you when it comes to making some of those extremely difficult decisions. Decisions that require courage and faith, but set us on a path to something new. 

If you are looking to not only understand your rights but also find that practical support, we can help.
Feel free to schedule a call with us today.

Co-parenting arrangements for a healthier family dynamic

One of the most challenging things you have to address when going through a separation is how you are going to tell the kids, and what this means for them in terms of how you will live as a family moving forward.

This is likely to be one of the most disruptive periods a child can go through. They not only have to adjust to the fact that mum and dad are no longer going to live together, but that their living arrangement will very likely change significantly as well.

For the majority of separating couples, the family home will likely need to be sold to enable the splitting of assets and for each party to move forward.  This may result in not only one new home for the kids to get used to, but possibly two homes as they bounce between living with mum and dad.

The key to a successful co-parenting arrangement with as little disruption as possible is to keep communication as open as you can. Not only with the kids, but also between mum and dad. This is often very difficult, particularly if the separation has become acrimonious and the parties are having difficulty communicating at all.

Separation is hard enough as it is, without having to drag the kids into a battle about where they stay and with whom.  Naturally, life is not going to be the same as it was. Things will be different, and the kids will learn to adapt to that.  When they feel they are pawns in a game between mum and dad they become very confused and feel the insecurity of their very existence.

It is so important for the kids to know that they continue to be loved despite the changes in circumstances between mum and dad. If a couple is able to move with grace around the kids—so their children feel that they are at the centre of mum and dad’s concerns—this will minimise the impact of an already anxious and unsettling environment.

At Conscious Separation, the focus is on maintaining an open dialogue with all parties, including the kids. This allows the difficult conversation around the kids’ future arrangements to be had early and continuously. It also helps achieve the outcome which respects the needs of all parties, and is aimed at providing ongoing access and connection between all parties.

These arrangements could include not only custody but financial issues to enable a fair and equitable sharing of the heart connection as well as the roles and responsibilities of both parents.

A conscious separation is one that demonstrates integrity, respect, empathy, and compassion from and to each and every party impacted by the changing circumstances.

If you would like to ensure that your co-parenting arrangement enhances rather than endangers your chance of maintaining a healthy, ongoing family dynamic—speak to us at Conscious Separation.

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